Roller coasters and low blood pressure

Kings Dominion was fantastic!!!!! Even though there were a couple of rides I wouldn't try out of fat fear, for the most part I rode what I wanted and walked all day with no pain. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and outlasted most of the teenage girls I was with. I am grateful for that. I didn't realize how much I missed living until I soaked up the day on the drive home.

Here is a post I put out on OH about low blood pressure, been having some issues with it and wanted to post reasons, remedies on here so I won't lose it.

I have seen this come up over and over on this forum and I have just started experiencing this almost 18 months post op. I have had low blood pressure (90/70 range) since surgery but none of the side effects like dizziness and so forth. I have been doing some research and have found some of the more common reasons this happens to us.

Dehydration - this is a big one, anything less than 64 oz a day is not enough

Low iron levels or anemia - get your labs done

Low electrolytes - A G2 or powerade zero will fix this one

Lack of B12 - any of the B vitamins really

There was also low oxygen and thyroid problems, along with a lot of more serious reasons for low blood pressure but the above pretty much explain why after weight loss surgery, this happens.

For me, I thought, hey beats high blood pressure but this is not true...low blood pressure can still cause heart attack, stroke and kidney failure.

So along with fixing the above vitamin and water issues, here are some home remedies and recommendations I came across that might be helpful.

If the water and vitamin issues are not in check, avoid vigorous excercise as it can cause black outs

Breathing excercises and low impact excercise like swimming and biking are good for getting the blood pumping nicely

Fresh fruit, increased protein with fluids, vitamin c and vitamin b

Raw beetroot juice and epsom salt baths

The dizziness, halos around the eyes, tired are just too much for me and I don't like not feeling in control so I am going to work on this for sure.

That's it!

I keep saying that's it...starting right now, no more grazing, no more snacking, no more junk food. I wake up, I have a protein shake, eggs for breakfast, some type of meat for lunch, maybe an afternoon cheese sick and by the time I get home the bottom falls out. I can't get a handle on snacking on stuff, even when I am choosing low carb, I am still taking in more calories and carbs than I need because I am eating every hour on the hour. I say I am going to the gym but I don't go. I cut out the G2, extra carbs, I cut out the creamer because of extra carbs. I am still stuck at 250-255. I think I have hit the mental part of this journey and I need to get a handle on it. I am taking my kids to Kings Dominion tomorrow and the weight limit for most rides is 250 lbs, 45 inch waist. That's me...I said I was going to do a liquid diet this week, see if I could drop a few pounds before the trip just to be safe because I didn't want to still be too fat for the rides. I could so do a liquid diet as I NEVER get hungry but my head hunger wins every time. I think I just love food, the texture, the taste but I also think I am totally self sabotaging because heck I don't deserve to be happy as former fat girl tells me all the time. I thought I had a handle on this but I obviously don't. Time to shift gears again. I think I am going to order the Beck diet solution book and workbook and start there. I can not let this defeat me.

One bite at a time

So I have been really looking at what I am eating, counting everything trying to balance good eating skills with low carb so I can still lose weight. My sodium intake is out of control. I think on top of the vit D issues, I am retaining water from the sodium. But my blood pressure has been so low, my doc says eat salt, don't worry about your sodium. Ugghh! I am going to reduce it, if I begin having any low blood pressure incidents like dizziness, i will see my doctor. This is what I ate yesterday and my ending totals:

Morning: 16 oz cup of coffee w/ creamer
Breakfast: 2 scrambled eggs w/ cheese no added salt or pepper
Snack; 1 oz beef jerky, slice of cheese
Lunch:1/4 chicken quesadillia on low carb tortilla w/ spoonful salsa/sour cream
Snack: 1 oz beef jerky
Dinner: Inside of subway club, no bread
Dessert: 1/2 slice angel food cake, topped with 2 sliced strawberries and splenda
snack: spoonful peanut butter
Cals Fat Cholest Sodium Carbs Sugars Fiber Protein
1,055 49g 592mg 3,599mg 58g 42g 6g 90g

I feel like I ate a balanced diet, the beef jerky is definitely going to have to go, my carbs aren't great for losing phase but they aren't bad either. I think considering some of the things I have gone through with my eating, I think I made good choices and I am proud of that. This is a lifestyle change for me and I will figure it out, one day at a time, one bite at a time.

In a funk

This sucks! I can not budge my weight loss. I thought my G2 and creamer was the problem so I cut it out. 80 oz water a day, gym, low carb and this is what the last month looks like:

2/24 263
3/3 257
3/11 265
3/17 259
3/24 259
3/31 257
4/7 261

So what happened after the scale yesterday morning.... I have been on a binge. I have been reading on the vitamin issues and came across some info that low Vit D causes sugar cravings and weight gain. Hmmm...could this be the problem?? It has got to be something. A month and only a 3 lb loss. I guess I shouldn't complain, better than gaining. Just in a funk..

Reevaluating

So I kicked up the liquid intake to try to offset this dehydration thing. Still trying to figure out my labs. Looks like I am low on ferritin even though my other iron levels look good, Vit D (on my second round of 50,000 units a week) getting ready to add D3 as I understand this is better than just plain ole D.
So even with the increase in liquid, staying away from bad carbs and hitting the gym again, I am still stuck in the 250's. Up 5, down 5! What is the problem? So I decided to track everything that went in my mouth today. Well I see where the problem is!! My G2 and hazelnut creamer...Damn liquid calories! They have never phased my weight loss before but I think they are the culprit now. I said if I ever needed to adjust what I was doing, I will. Starting tomorrow I will drastically decrease my creamer in my coffee and totally give up my G2's for a bit. What? You didn't expect me to go cold turkey did you? I hate water but this is a must. I suspect to be able to report a huge loss next posting.

Vitamin issues and BUN creatinine

Had my labs done back in November by my PCP and my Vitamin D and iron was low. She put me on 50,000 units once a week for 3 months. I changed my multi vitamin to a prenatal vitamin for the extra iron. Went back for my follow up on my labs last week. Vitamin D is still low, she put me back on 50,000 units for 3 more months. Iron was ok this go round, B12 was a little high. Reduced my 2500 mcg to every other day versus every day. I expected the ups and downs with the vitamins as I have read about them on OH. What I have never heard of was BUN (Blood urea nitrogen) creatinine levels. My BUN level and my creatinine levels were within normal range. My BUN creatinine ratio was 29. This scared me at first because I was told this tests your kidney function. But I have since learned that the jump is probably from an increase in protein and slight dehydration. I am not drinking 64 oz a day but I am getting in close to 60 oz, but that is with my coffee too, which the caffeine is not helping from what I am hearing. This is what labtestsonline had to say about BUN levels:
5. What is a BUN/Creatinine ratio?
Occasionally, a doctor will look at the ratio between a person’s BUN and blood creatinine to help them determine what is causing these concentrations to be higher than normal. The ratio of BUN to creatinine is usually between 10:1 and 20:1. An increased ratio may be due to a condition that causes a decrease in the flow of blood to the kidneys, such as congestive heart failure or dehydration. It may also be seen with increased protein, from gastrointestinal bleeding, or increased protein in the diet. The ratio may be decreased with liver disease (due to decrease in the formation of urea) and malnutrition.
This makes me even more thankful I got my VSG. I knew I would not be 100% compliant with RNY and the malabsorption scared me so I know if I had gone that route, my issues would be worse. The congestive heart failure aspect scares me because this puts me right in line with all my dad's illness' but I am going to remain positive that this is from lack of fluid and my body freaking out over losing a great amount of weight. I am increasing my fluid and trying to incorporate regular water into my diet besides drinking nothing but G2, juice and coffee. Gah! I hate water....sigh

Things I have learned after one year...

Today is my one year anniversary of my surgery. I have lost 120 lbs total. I have lost and regained the same five pounds for 3 months now. Totally my fault. My head is trying to catch up with the weight loss, I have been making excuses for not eating right, money, time, stress. Whatever! They are horrible reasons to not use this gift I have been given. I have learned a few things along the way... I can eat way more now than I could in the beginning. Granted it is no where near pre op but more than a few months out of surgery. Before surgery I would go to McDonald's and order a filet of fish, a Big Mac meal w/ Large sweet tea and a double cheeseburger. Today when I go to McDonald's, I order the chicken nuggets happy meal, eat about 1/2 the fries and about 3 nuggets. Big difference. I have learned that I can eat a lot if I let myself graze. This is not a smart thing to do. I can get in just as many calories when I graze as I did pre op. Scary huh? Like yesterday...I am ashamed to post this but I just want you to know it is possible to consume as much food post op as pre op if you spread it out versus 3 meals and 2 snacks VSG portions... I had one egg and 4 pieces of bacon for breakfast. Ate about half the egg and 2 pieces of bacon...about 30 minutes later I was able to finish it. I started on a ziploc bag of cashews about 10;30am, munched on them off and on all day. Had a hershey bar in my desk, broke off a piece here and there, finished it off my end of day also. Lunch I had a chicken pot pie, could only eat about a third of it and about 30 minutes later, I took those last few bites and finished it off. While cooking dinner I had a bite of carrot cake. For dinner I had 1 hamburger patty, spoonful of mac and cheese and 8 french fries. I ate off that plate for an hour and got it all down! Later that night while watching tv, I had another bite of cake, 30 min later I had a 2 oz bowl of cereal, 30 min later I had a half a cookie. That is a LOT of food. Lesson from all this, once you are full, throw away the rest of the dang food or put it up for the next meal. In order to stay on track and keep on losing:
DO NOT NIBBLE ON THE SAME PLATE FOR MORE THAN 15 MINUTES.
DO NOT EAT BETWEEN DESIGNATED MEAL AND SNACK TIME
PROTEIN FIRST, VEGETABLE SECOND, CARBS LAST
DO NOT DRINK FOR AT LEAST 30 MINUTES AFTER YOU EAT
DRINK AT LEAST 64 OZ OF WATER EVERYDAY
DO SOME FORM OF EXCERCISE FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES A DAY

Those are pretty basic and simple. Staying on track and breaking old habits is hard as hell!
I am not where I am supposed to be but THANK GOD I am not where I used to be which is 381 lbs, size 30/32, unable to walk from my car to my office without being out of breath, unable to shop in Walmart unless I used a scooter. Today I can do all those things and more, I have not used a scooter since surgery, I weigh 255 lbs and in a size 22/24. I have a ways to go but I will get there.

Good Riddance 2009

This year has been nothing but a rollar coaster to say the least. I had big hopes for 2009 being my surgery was in January, this was going to be a year of change, a good year. Change did come but it wasn't all good. The news calls this the year of death because so many celebrities died, well it was my year of death too. I came close to death after my surgery, lost my uncle in February, my grandmother in April, my father in July and two days before Christmas my cousin lost her husband. Most importantly I lost the former version of me, the death of the fat me. It has had many challenges and played some serious mind games with me. I have battled with eating the right foods and exercise. These past few weeks I have been eating like I did last christmas before I had surgery. Like I was never going to be able to eat those types of foods again...sord of a get it while you can attitude. I know this is not true. I dare not say 2010 is going to be a great year because well we saw what happened when I said that last year. I am planning on trying to learn to love myself. Try to figure out why I choose food as a comfort and prefer my fat as a protection shield. I have got to do something or I am going to sit here at 126 lbs lost and go no further. The strong side of me will not let that happen. I want to become a gym junkie, I want to run. 2010 will be the year of finding me. I came up with some resolutions, some weight related some not. They will not all happen in January but I posted them on a sticky and put them on my computer as a reminder so maybe I will accomplish them one by one. They are:

1. Join some walk a thons (Got some great information on American Heart Association and Kidney Foundation)
2. Give back to the community (I want to do meals on wheels and volunteer at the local women's shelter)
3. Run (I plan on walking to the end of my road, eventually jogging and just going a little further everyday)
4. Only have sweets and junk on birthdays and holidays, stick to the program
5. Take shooting lessons and get my gun permit (this is way out in left field for me but I have always wanted to do it)
6. Travel (no where big, just a couple of trips to somewhere)
7. Go to church more (I need to reconnect with God, I need him to complete this)
8. Live life, do something everyday, whether it is call someone on the phone, the gym, volunteer, clean, shop, go to visit a friend, something!
9. Make mommy and me dates (My girls are older, I need to set aside time for them so I don't lose our connections)

Big goals! I have NEVER had this many goals. It has always been lose weight, that is it. I am not getting any younger, i want to live. I wish you all the best New Year.

But how bad do you want it?

Well you know when I don't blog regularly I am doing bad weight wise or there is something going on in my personal life. I guess it is a little of both but MOSTLY doing bad weight wise. I have asked myself several times over the past month, c'mon seriously? How bad do you want this? Why are you slacking? I have eaten junk and more junk. I have got to start working on the mental part of this whol journey because I am doing some serious self sabotaging to myself. I have lost 119 lbs, have gained and lost the same 5 lbs over the past 2 months. I should be down AT LEAST another 30 lbs by now!! I DO NOT want to stay at 260 lbs..I want to keep going. The diet is not hard, I truly do not EVER get hungry so why do I gravitate to the sugary sweets and chips and pizza? I think there are a couple of things going on.
#1: It is there and it is quick

#2: It tastes so darn good

#3: Hell, everyone else is eating it and it's not fair that I can't (Wow did that sound a 2 year old or what!)

#4: I hate the way my body is looking, I hate that I have to wear longer sleeves and longer shirts to cover up the excess skin. The left side of my stomach is still not shrinking along with my right so there is literally a hump (a ball of fat) and in the past when I am disgusted or mad at myself what do I do, EAT!

#5: I think I am scared of the attention. I am getting a lot of compliments and what are you doing and you are so skinny looking. I have always been the wallflower, no one noticed me. Now I find it makes me nervous and I still can't make eye contact, I just want to hurry up and get past them so I can hide just as I always did. I feel people looking at me now so I am even more self conscious of the excess skin so I think I am subconsciously trying to gain weight to go back to my safe place. Which is totally weird because I don't like how I felt before. I can shop now and walk and stand and not hurt like before.

The mental part of all this is definitely harder than I thought. I heard people say that but I really thought, if I could just lose weight everything will be perfect. Guess I lied to myself...now how do I fix it?

Other stuff going on, went to the doctor for my physical and blood work...vitamin D and iron were extremely low, thyroid levels out of whack a little. Up'd my vitamins and will make an appointment with the endocrinologist after christmas. She documented the excess skin issues and I told her my upper back pain has increased with this last 20 pounds I have lost. She said it was the excess skin pulling. Great!! Had another reality check early November...my mom had 3 blockages in her main artery and she has never been overweight or smoked. So heart problems are definitely in my genes between her and my dad...all the more reason to get this crap under control.

Good stuff: Went on a cruise to the Bahamas November 6 with some family. This was to celebrate my 100 lbs loss. So many wow moments that skinny folk take for granted. Being able to walk down the aisle in the plane, buckling the seatbelt without an extender, walking from one side of town in Nassau to the other without needing a chair right away(normally I would just not go because I knew I couldn't walk it), feeling normal sized around all the people, not avoiding picture taking, wearing high heels to dinner and then walking around the cruise ship with no efforts, taking the elevator even though it was crowded instead of waiting for the next one(out of fear there was not enough room for me), carrying my luggage and walking the airports...just going on a trip like that! It was awesome!!

Unfamiliar territory

So I joined a gym finally. My cousin owns it so he walked me through some weight machines for strength training to make sure I knew how to work them. I don't know that I would have gone in a regular gym anytime soon had I not known someone. I am supposed to be going at least 3 times a week. Doing the different strength training excercises and then cardio for at least 20 minutes. I find that when I go I feel so out of place. I feel like everyone is staring at me so I have a hard time doing the machines so I stick to the cardio area. I know I need to work my muscles in my arms, back and belly. I have got to figure out a way to overcome this because I am only hurting myself. I wish I could go early morning when there is no one there but sigh I must make a living. I have done the treadmill and increase my speed each time I go in and am amazed that I can walk for 20 minutes and then step foot on another machine. Sometimes I forget that I used to not be able to even do dishes without hunching over the sink. I tried the eliptical and found it to be fun. Fun? Did I actually say that? Although I can't do it for very long yet. I have done the bicycle also. I find that if I can get past the initial burn in my legs and feet instead of quitting that it eases up and doesn't hurt as bad, it becomes tolerable. So right now, I am fiddling with the machines for about 10 minutes and find that I venture to the cardio area. I generally do about 35-45 minutes on the different cardio machines depending on how far I push myself. My goal is to do a little more each time so I can get to the point of a good 2 hour work out.

I am finding that I can definitely eat more than when I first had surgery. My stomach is a finicky thing though. Like for example, when my monthly friend came along this past month that whole week, no matter what I ate, chicken or slider foods I could eat a lot more than normal and I seemed to want more. For breakfast that whole week, I was eating 1 whole scrambled egg with cheese and about 3 strips of bacon. Yesterday I got the usual egg and 3 bacon strips and could barely finish the egg and ate a piece of bacon and started on the second piece and knew if I took another bite I was going to be sick. Weird huh? This whole past week I have been craving carbs so I had a 3 oz bowl of mac and cheese and at it all...yesterday I thought I got tuna for lunch but it turned out to be tuna and pasta...anyways, took 2 bites of the pasta and was full. Within a minute I had the foamies, saliva filling my mouth, I went to the bathroom thinking I was going to be sick but it passed. I tell ya, you never know how your new stomach will take the food you are giving it. I am glad to know that part of the amount of food I was able to eat was just a passing thing though. I was beginning to worry a little.

Ramblings

Well, down to 270. Haven't seen 270 since my youngest was around 2. I know that is still heavy but compared to 381, those are beautiful numbers to me. My hair seems to be coming in thicker so I think the worst is over as far as hair loss goes. I am looking forward to putting highlights back in it. Lots of sagging skin, pretty depressing sometimes but I try not to dwell on it. I keep saying I am going to start going to my PCP so that I can have some type of documentation on record about skin issues so if I need a panni (which I am 100% sure I am) I will have a better chance with insurance. My boobs, arms, belly and thighs look like a deflated balloon. I have heard so many different things from it will tighten up some over the next year to try this remedy, try this one. I'll try em, heck if I find something that works that would be fantastic. My sagging stomach is what makes me still feel like I am 381 lbs. When I sit down I see these thinner thighs under a mountain of flesh that spreads. I wear a spanx and it helps (some) with clothes on. I find myself looking at all these before and after pictures studying people's belly area. This is just one of the downsides to WLS but I still say the good outweighs the bad and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I finally got to try a new recipe this weekend. I am finding I am getting bored with the same foods and steering off course with junk food. I got this recipe from SuzieQuizie on OH.com:

Chicken Eldorado1 lb cooked chicken breast chopped1 medium onion, chopped fine1/2 tsp granulated garlic3 tsp cilantro dried, or 1/4 cup fresh1 ½ tsp ground cumin16 ounce tomato sauce1/2 cup ripe olives sliced(optional)8 ounces sour cream (light was great)2 Tbsp olive oil1 cup cottage cheese ( lowfat is good)1 cup chopped fresh or canned green chiles7 oz bag tortilla chips crushed ( didn't use any in this but did crush about 4 baked tortilla chips over the top for a little crunch.Still very low carb and was really good. 8 ozs monterey Jack cheese shredded

In sautee pan, using the 2 Tbsp olive oil, add onion and sautee until translucent, add garlic, tomato sauce and olives.Cook over low heat about 2 minutes until nice and bubbly; add chicken, set aside.Combine sour cream, cottage cheese and chiles. Layer half the chips, meat mixture, sour cream mixture and Monterey Jack cheese in a greased 2 1/2 quart casserole. Repeat this layering a second time. Bake at 375 preheated oven for about 30 minutes till hot, and cheese is melted. Serves 6 to 8 Variations:Could add jalapenos, black beans, corn, or could even use salsa instead of the tomato sauce, just watch the sugar content in the sauce or salsa you use. Lots of possibilities for variations with this one. Ground pork, turkey, or beef instead of chicken would be great as well.

I replaced the clilantro and chiles with a can of rotel instead and just used regular canola oil instead of olive oil. It was really good, a little more runny than I would have liked, could have been my variations and I didn't put the tortilla chips in the casserole. I think next time I make it I am going to skip the cottage cheese, bake the chicken, tomato sauce, rotel and monterey jack cheese and then top it w/ sour cream after it cooks.

I found that I absolutely love the Kashi products. The Kashi go lean honey almond flax cereal tastes like Honey Smacks only the bites are harder. So good. Higher in carbs than I would like but it has 9 grams of protein and it is healthy, better than that bowl of Honey Smacks. Their happy trail cookies are so good also. Gives you that sweet cookie taste you are seeking without all the junk.

Still not sick of chicken, although my family is. Loving teriyaki salmon and baked tilapia. Never thought I would like baked fish!!

Wow! I actually lost 100 lbs

Just like when I got under 300 and I didn't have the reaction I expected, same thing happened when I hit the 100 lb loss. Don't get me wrong I was excited and called a couple of friends but at the same time, it was eh whatever. I think my brain is just not where my body is. Almost as if, it doesn't believe it or can't process what is happening so it discounts it. I got back on board a week ago, protein first, walking a mile at work everyday and BAM, the weight just dropped. I dropped 9 lbs in a week. I got up for work one morning and couldn't wear 3 pairs of my pants. They were literally falling off. I pulled out some reserves I had in the closet. A size 22/24! Could not believe it! I felt so confident that day. I felt normal for the first time in a long time. Over the weekend, I tried on some of my other reserves and some were too big..26/28's. New shorts and pants with tags still on them. I bought some of those years ago thinking someday. I kind of chuckled to myself and said someday came and went...goodbye 26/28's forever! I went to Goodwill and Ross just to see if I could find a few pairs of pants and here is proof the brain is just not comprehending. I picked up a 22/24 , held it up and said there is no way I can get into that, hung it up and walked away. A few minutes later I said to myself, yes you can! Go get them damn pants and yes...they fit! :)

Losing my dad and 3 lbs before the 100 mark!

In my last post my dad had come home from the hospital after a 6 month stay. He was home for 8 days and he passed. Needless to say this has put me on an emotional roller coaster. I am 3 lbs away from hitting 100 pounds lost and can't shake the emotional eating and smoking. I knew we didn't have that much time with him left given how weak and sick he was but I didn't expect the phone call that morning of July 23rd. My dad had become increasingly weak and my mom was having a difficult time getting him back and forth to dialysis every other day. I had stayed the weekend before and came by that Wednesday night to talk to my dad because the case worker was questioning my mom's ability to care for him. God, how I wish I hadn't had that conversation with my dad now....you know, you go through all the what if's in your head, what you should have said, what you did say, what you didn't say. I told him we needed him not to give up, to push because they were questioning mom and we were scared they were going to put him in a nursing home. He said "Don't say that" Did I push him to give up??? I will always wonder that and I have my moments where I feel overwhelming guilt for that. That wasn't my intention. He also didn't want me to leave and I told him I had to go to work the next day, that I loved him and I put my forehead to his and told him to trust God. That is the last correspondence I had with my dad until my daughter called me at 7:39 the next morning to say, "Mom hurry papa's gone!" I felt my world stop. The only good in all of this is that #1 My dad is no longer in pain and he is in heaven where there is only happy tears and no more suffering, #2 God answered every prayer we had asked over the past 6- 7 months. After my dad was in a coma for a few months, the doctors had no hope for him to really walk again because his feet had dropped, after the trache was placed, the doctors said he was too dependent on the ventilator and would probably always be on a feeding tube and never talk again. We asked God for a healing or to not let him die in this shape in a hospital, to bring him home. My dad walked, my dad talked, my dad ate food and my dad came home. My dad was also afraid to die, he was scared to leave us and he was afraid it was going to hurt. I promised my dad that when it was his time to go, he wouldn't be scared that God would come get him. He died peacefully in his sleep, no gasping for air, nothing, just peacefully. God helped me keep my promise to my dad, he wasn't scared. He was a true miracle and even through the pain God's grace showed. He was way too young to leave this world but his quality of life here on earth wasn't what he would want to live and I know he is better off where he is at now.

8/29/1948 - 7/23/2009

God saw him getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around him,
and whispered, "Come to me".
A long battle and a fight he did give,
until God called him home for eternity to live

Though our hearts ache and miss him everyday
I could not wish him back
To suffer through that again.
For when I saw him sleeping that Thursday morn,
I could see he was at peace and free from pain evermore.
Now he is seeing his loved ones,
worshipping Jesus and cracking jokes,
perhaps tomorrow he'll find a fishing hole
and sip on an 8 pack of little Cokes.

Under 300!!!

Haven't been posting as I should. My dad did not come home from the hospital as we thought. He had a heart attack during dialysis the day he was to come home. This set him back a few weeks ofcourse. My computer at home crashed, don't have the money to get one and we are banned from going to social networks at work so I have not been able to reach out to OH for support. My dad is my number 1 reason I chose to go forth with surgery...you would think watching him suffer for 6 months and dieing a slow agonizing death, I would have better motivation to eat right and not smoke. I have not been making good choices. I stalled at 300 a month ago. I blamed it on vacations, stress from my dad's illness, my mom needing me, stress from my teenager. But they are all mere excuses. I got back on the bandwagon Monday with slowly making better choices and BAM, down 5 lbs! Under 300 for the first time in 10 years. I thought I would be more emotional but nothing. I think I am in denial. I think my mind is determined to self sabotage. I need to do some soul searching and really work on this. I want my life to be different, but wanting and taking action are two different things. I have wanted it for over 10 years, I am just now taking action...small baby step action but action nontheless. I suppose it is all a work in progress. We all know that we didn't have surgery on our minds, just our stomach. Thank God I can not sabotage to the point I did pre surgery.
On a good note, my dad is home now. He came home Tuesday just 8 days shy of being exactly 6 months in a hospital. My mom was so thankful to be home as she stayed with him the entire time. Her faith is unwavering. She amazes me. He is not well by any means, just stable. i don't know how much longer we have with him. I was thinking last night about people always say "Life is short". You know it is such an overused phrase and it does not get the depth of thought and action on our part that is deserves. Life truly is short and it should be cherished.
I am still noticing the difference in clothes, had to buy new pants and some shirts. My bathing suit that I (GRRR) paid 100.00 for last summer is falling off of me. I am getting compliments (I am not used to that). The hair loss has pretty much stopped, I am still taking the collagen, biotin and other vitamins and using the shampoo. I am not noticing any changes with my skin issues. I know that will take some time. I miss all my OH friends!! I wish I was at a 100 lb loss versus just an 86 lbs loss but you know what, I am not where I want to be but Thank God I am not where I used to be. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...I will get there!

First noticeable drop in size

Because I started out so large, my 30/32 sized clothes were already busting at the seams so I knew it would take me longer to move down in size. In all actuality if they made a 34/36, I probably would have been wearing those instead. Well, this past weekend I decided to go through my clothes as my family was fussing that my clothes were falling off of me and it looked like I was wearing a tent. I didn't see it because I am so used to everything being so tight, it was nice that things weren't so snug for once. Anyways, moving forward...I went through my clothes and packed up some of my nicer work pants and shirts and bagged up 5 bags to go to goodwill. I found clothes that I wore back in the 80 's and 90's, what was I thinking holding onto this stuff?? I had a hard time at first, making piles of trash, give away, goodwill, maybe I can wear or will need one day..then I had to finally say, no you will not need any of it because we are not going back! I did keep a couple pairs of jeans that although were a little loose, I thought they are still wearable and I felt comfortable in them for once. Can't change everything all at once, I suppose. So my closet looks bare and I head out to find me just a few tops. At the store, my fat girl mentality kicked in and I automatically went for the biggest size, I decided to try on a 26/28 and said the whole time, it's not going to fit, it is going to be too small. Guess what, it fit and truth of the matter I really could have gone with a 22/24 but I am not comfortable in clingy clothes. What a good feeling! So that means I have at least dropped 3 sizes! The only issue I had was most of the shirts were either too short in the waist or the sleeves were cut up to the armpit. This infuriated me. If you are a larger woman, why would you want to show off your fat stomach or jiggly arms??? I want to cover those areas not expose them. I end up getting stuck with quarter inch sleeves most of the time. I tell ya, who makes fat people clothes anyway?



I am down 68 lbs and people are finally starting to notice. I am getting all the questions of how much, what are you doing. I feel guilty about not disclosing the WLS but I just don't want everyone at work to know and I am fearful that what if it doesn't work and I don't lose a bunch of weight and people start talking abut how it didn't work, I must be broke or something. I had a lady who is very open about her RNY ask what I was doing and I didn't lie, I said cutting back portions, low carb and exercising. Not a lie, right? Here was her follow up question...no pills? you didn't have gastric bypass? My response, no I didn't have gastric bypass (I didn't lie, thank god she didn't ask specifically WLS) and I am taking B12 and protein supplements in the morning, which is also not a lie. Is this wrong??



I am having to wear my spanx everyday now as the stomach issues are not getting better. I am not comfortable without the spanx because I am all jiggly. Price I have to pay, I guess. I am going to make an appointment with my PCP soon so I can start getting the stomach issues documented so when it comes time to submit for a pannilectomy, I will have my back up. I got my collagen pills and am using the nioxin shampoo and I got a hair cut, shoulder length. I am noticing improvements, I am not losing near as much hair, it seems, or maybe I am just not noticing it since it is shorter. Either way I am pleased as I am not pulling out gobs of hair at a time. So far, I recommend the collagen tablets.



My dad is coming home next week, after 5 months in the hospital so I feel like my life is somewhat becoming normal again. Maybe I can try some of those recipes I have been wanting to try.

The dreaded hair loss and skin issues

I knew it would happen. I read about it so I should have been well prepared for the hair loss. But I wasn't! For the last 3 weeks, I am noticing more and more hair loss. I am pulling it out by the handful, my brush has these long strands of hair every time I brush my hair and my shower is clogging. I can feel my hair getting thinner and it was already thin to begin with. I know there is nothing I can do to stop the hair loss, just to improve hair growth. I have been taking 3000 mcg of biotin each day since I had surgery. I have done some research and have since added Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, Vitamin E and Collagen tablets. I have read about using prenatal vitamins on a short term basis. If these other methods do not work, i will be adding prenatal vitamins. I have an appointment with my hairdresser tomorrow. I am going to talk to her about a shorter cut. I had heard this helps also with hair growth as well as not noticing hair loss as much with the shorter hair. The long strands are a bit alarming. The collagen tablets I ordered are Neocell Laboratories Collagen Plus C Tablets - 120 Tablets type 1 and 3.
I also read the collagen tablets help with skin elasticity as well and I can use all the help I can get in that area since if I get any plastic surgery, it will most likely only be a pannilectomy (insurance covered). After the noticeable hair loss, I started examining my body in the mirror, looking for changes. I am noticing the right side of my overlapping stomach is shrinking whereas my left is not. Can you say "Panic" and boy I did. It sent me into a slight depression for about a week and all kinds of regrets surfaced. I thought I am going to look deformed!! Didn't help matters that a post shared a website about someone who needed plastics after WLS and the pictures were downright scary. I am not sure what is going on with my stomach but I do know that I lost most stomach muscles after my emergency C section and after careful examination of the fact that I can't reverse surgery and the even bigger fact of why would you want to because I feel so much better, I decided this too shall pass. Take your rain and find the rainbow in it all. That's all I can do. I haven't had any time to myself with my dad being sick, work and everyday life but I made a commitment to myself that I will start exercising somehow, someway to at least try to help tone some things; as well as getting in my protein and water. When I watch tv at night, during commercials, I will do arm exercises (punching motions) and leg lifts all while sitting in the recliner. Hey, it's a start! I am also doing Wii Fit and yesterday I got all 64 oz of water in for the first time since surgery. Yay me!!

A quarter of a doughnut

That's all it took! Easter weekend, spent it at the hospital celebrating the arrival of my great nephew with family. Everyone wanted to go to Dunkin Donuts/Baskin Robbins. Off we go, I am planning on buying nothing, only taking a sip from my daughters fat free frozen yogurt smoothie. I am waiting on everyone and talk myself into having a bite of a boston creme donut, I purchase it, take a quarter of it and give the rest to my friend. I think I heard halos playing as I savored this dang donut! But could I control myself.Noooo...I leave with a mango fat free frozen yogurt smoothie of my own and a 6 pack of donut holes. I only drink about half of the smoothie and ate one donut hole. The rest went in the trash. I felt so guilty. I worked so hard and went through so much to sabotage myself. That was it! I was done....until Monday when the leftover Nutella was staring me in my face...and Tuesday when the kids easter candy was on the table, peanut butter easter egg..ain't nothin like em; and Thursday when all the Easter candy was on sale 75% off. Oh and over the weekend, a bite of my daughter's chips and french fries. Ok I have unleashed a monster! Got to get back on track. Sunday went well. I refuse to give in...Monday was good too, except TOM arrived. Oh could that be it? Is that the reason or did I self sabotage? Either way, I am back on track. Go to the grocery store with DD last night and she wants me to buy this Oreo pie..no I say..well ok, only if we buy the Hershey Pie instead. What? Did I really just say that? Yes..I did and I ate a piece! WTH is wrong with me?? I know better! So now a quarter of a donut, that one choice has sent me spiraling down a sugary carb filled slope all week. Moral of the story, Just say No. I have said No so many times since surgery and the head hunger passed. I survived and did not die because I chose not to have something. Surgery is not a cure all and it makes me even more angry than ever to hear someone say it's the easy way out. This is not easy. I still have to make a choice so...Back to the basics. I must brush myself off and try again. I CAN do this!

First 50 lbs!

Went for my check up with my surgeon yesterday and I weighed 330lbs. That is 51 lbs down from my starting weight of 381. If I feel this good after just 50 lbs, I can not wait for the next 150 to come off. I can walk better, my legs aren't swollen and don't ache like they used to, I can breathe better, I don't get sleepy at my usual 2pm timeslot during the day, and I can wipe my rear without pulling a muscle!! I said at my last trip to Walmart before surgery that I would not ever use a scooter again and since surgery I have not had to use one. I need to get in a gym so I can try to start toning as I can feel my skin getting squishy. I just have not had time. My dad is still in the hospital and I have been running back and forth there in between work. I would not have been able to do that pre surgery, I would have fallen on my face from exhaustion and I am so thankful I can do for my mom and dad. I have not been making some of the best choices with all the running around but I am trying. I am eating more fish and trying to stay away from red meat as I am finding that doesn't agree with me too well unless it is ground hamburger. I cooked pot roast in the crockpot and it felt like it was stuck, I had to throw it up. I have not been able to do reheated meat, it seems too dry and I get that stuck feeling in my throat. I have all these recipes I have found that I want to try but haven't been to the grocery store in a month now other than essentials. My poor kids probably feel deprived. They told me last night that I needed to buy some new pants because mine was falling off and I was looking skinny. What a great feeling! I said I was going to do something to celebrate every 50 lbs, I think I am going to do a me day and go get a mani and pedi, haircut, eyebrows waxed and maybe a facial. Well I am off for now, got to run to the hospital...

Step 2

Every week for the next 12 weeks, I would like to post a 12 step series. I plan to personally work through each of these twelve steps and I encourage you to do the same. What I write following each step is a window into my journey. I hope that through sharing our stories and working through the OA 12 step program together, we can overcome the addiction that is food. ~celticfaery~

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I have come to say my peace about this step 4 times now. I have gathered my thoughts, hit reply and then left without commenting. Coming to terms with a higher power has always been a struggle for me. I believe in God (the father, the son and the holy spirit). I have cried out many times in my life, ignored him many times in my life and have seen him pull me out of some dark situations even when I didn't ask for his help, as well as him not answering when I desperately wanted his help. I guess the bottom line is that I never did and still don't fully trust...I don't listen to that voice inside my head when God is trying to speak to me or guide me...I always think I can fix this or I have a better way. Well look where "my way "got me. I have teeter tottered from being somewhat religious, to overboard religious, to rebellious against religion..all over the place. I have finally come to a point in my life where I don't believe in religion. I believe it is about your personal relationship with Jesus, your time with him, the bible,positive influences in your life and the choices you make. Like I said before all my choices got me to where I was pre-op. A miserable, super morbidly obese woman that was slowly dying and had not lived life in over 10 years. I was literally drowning in my fat. It wasn't that I didn't believe God could take away my food addiction..I knew he could but I didn't believe he would do it. I wasn't worthy. I had told myself for years that I didn't deserve happiness, that I didn't deserve to be loved because of a choice I had made 15 years prior (I won't disclose that choice in this public forum) and as long as I packed on the pounds and stayed fat no one would want me. I was punishing myself so even though I cried out to God to help me and why did he let me get fat and woe is me..I continually shut him out. I finally had a break through in that area and finally realized that God has forgiven me already, I need not ask for continuous forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself. I have been working on that for about a year and a half now. Surgery was the first step in showing me that I am worthy to have a good life. I am finally starting to truly love myself. After watching my dad slowly go from the strongest, able bodied happy go lucky man I know to a frail handicapped angry man over the past few years. God and my dad has shown me that if I don't correct my actions with food and smoking that I am going to be in my dad's shoes in the near future and I will be alone. My dad has said to me many times," I don't care how big you get I love you no matter what but I worry about your health and I don't want you to end up like me..unable to walk because of weight and neuropathy, unable to work because of diabetes and congestive heart failure and unable to breath because of emphysema." It has been a painstaking journey to watch my dad slowly die and the toll it has taken on my mother. I have had lots of conversations with God here recently as you can imagine trying to understand why my dad lays in a hospital on a ventilator. Sometimes we don''t always understand but that is where faith comes in and trusting your higher power and that there is a reason most of the time. Is it because he has unfinished business, is it a punishment for something he did in his lifetime..or was it to show me my future and save my life? I am not where I want to be but thank God I am not where I used to be....Me and God have a lot to sort out still.

Step 1

Every week for the next 12 weeks, I would like to post a 12 step series. I plan to personally work through each of these twelve steps and I encourage you to do the same. What I write following each step is a window into my journey. I hope that through sharing our stories and working through the OA 12 step program together, we can overcome the addiction that is food. ~celticfaery~

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.

Ok here I go....

I am powerless over food. Prior to surgery, my food choices and how much I ate put me in misery. I blamed my 381 lb exterior on depression, heredity and Grave's disease. While those did play a part in my weight gain, I allowed them to be the excuse for it. I lost control of my life. I didn't speak up for myself or my children because if I did someone might notice me and highlight on the fact that I am fat and have no opinion. I let my house go because I never felt like cleaning and I slipped in my parenting because instead of getting up and taking the computer away from my daughter when she was told to get off...I instead sat in the recliner and begged her to listen to me. I didn't want to go to parties, shopping or most anywhere because I couldn't walk far. I didn't even visit my father in the hospital a few years back because the parking was too far and I knew I would be in pain. I chose to have no love life because it is easier to stay buried under the wall of fat, that way I don't get rejected like I had my entire life by boys and then men. I was always a thick girl and of course all the guys flocked to my friends and not me. My grandfather has always said to me..you have such a pretty face...you'd be a beautiful girl if you'd just lose weight. My life was unmanageable. I allowed food and other people to dictate to me how I was to feel and live. It took away more than 10 years of MY life and as I watched my father's health deteriorate from diabetes, congestive heart failure, neuropathy and emphysema; I knew I had to take back control. I had to quit talking about it and wishing for it. I had to find a solution.

The sleeve, self determination and willpower WILL deliver me from my addiction to food. I have already given up a 12 year addiction to smoking 1 ½ packs a day and a lifetime addiction to caffeine and soda. At 40 lbs lighter, I can already feel a difference but I can also see my weaknesses and have already slipped a time or two. It will be a long journey but I will not beat myself up when I fall. I will simply pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going because with the Sleeve I can not fall no where near where I had already fallen to. It will not allow that. I will not allow that.