Saturday, September 27, 2008

Not promised tomorrow...Thank you God for today

Have you ever been scared to death to move forward, yet scared to death to stay where you are? That's how I have felt for 10 years. Scared to leave my comfort zone and move onto a different life and make changes yet scared to stay in my comfort zone because it is miserable and will only lead to an untimely death carrying around all this extra weight. I thought I might had met my untimely death today...I had chest pains like I have never had before and then I threw my guts up. It scared me..bad! I thought I was having a heart attack. My daughter even wanted to call 911. It finally eased off and I have felt fine since so I am hoping it was something I ate yet still kinda scares me because if it was something I ate...shouldn't I still be sick? What if it was a minor heart attack and the massive one is lurking around the corner! So today my thoughts have been reflective...What if I had died? Who would take care of my kids? I don't want people to say, "It's a shame she died but no wonder she had a heart attack, look how fat she was" How would my parents pay for my funeral? Not to mention, the pall bearers mumbling under their breath at how heavy the casket is. I would miss out on my children's weddings, my nieces weddings, my grandchildren! All the trips we are supposed to take after our kids are grown. I would never meet the man of my dreams. I have too much left to do. I am thankful to be alive and I am angry at how much time I have wasted. Why have I waited so long...what exactly am I scared of? Even if this surgery doesn't is time for a change. I have to make a change. It is a matter of life and death at this point. I am playing Russian Roulette and my luck is not very good.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Covering the basics

I have a lot of ground to cover in this first blog. As I said in my About me, I have been overweight most of my life. I started putting on weight at age 11 and it just escalated through the years. I have done all the fad diets and tried Phen -Fen, and with each success I put on more weight than I lost when I would go back to eating normal. I became a closet eater and food was my best friend. I was always known as the easy going , happy go lucky "friend" of the group. All the guys went for my friends so you can imagine what that did for my self-esteem.
I first heard of weight loss surgery (WLS) back in 1998, I saw an infomercial for Fobi Pouch which was only done in California. I was so desperate, I was willing to travel to Cali. I went through the whole process and insurance denied it. I went through a major depression and packed on about 70 lbs. During this time, I lost my job, my girls were becoming teenagers, my ex husband passed away and I pretty much became a hermit because I was scared to go anywhere out of fear of not being able to fit in a booth, or movie theater seat or people staring at me. At this point, I had escalated up to about 300 lbs. In 2002 I had no choice but to get back in the world because I had to make a living and provide for my girls so I forced myself to function. I landed a good job with the state in 2003 and started looking into WLS again. This time I went to a Duke seminar and Lap-Band was now an option but my insurance only covered Gastric Bypass. This surgery scared me to death so I passed besides my weight wasn't a physical hinderance at this time just an appearance issue. I teeter tottered between 300-330 up until 2007 when I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and Graves disease. Now most people with this disease lose weight because their metabolism is on overdrive but I maintained my weight, lucky me I was in the 2% that weight loss was not a side effect.... but with the meds, my doctor told me I would most likely put on some weight and I did! Over the next year I packed on 50lbs...I am now at a womping 378, and it is a physical issue now. My knees hurt, my back hurts, I can't breathe, walk, do household chores. I am miserable! So once again I check into WLS and my insurance says "Yes" with the proper paperwork, they would most likely cover the Lap Band. Woo hoo! This go round is so different for me because it's not about getting the guy or looking good, all those are nice but I want to be healthy. I want to ride rides with my kids at amusement parks and walk and play and laugh. I have missed out on the past 10 years of their lives and mine! So I embark on this journey to find the skinny woman trapped inside.