Thursday, December 31, 2009

Good Riddance 2009

This year has been nothing but a rollar coaster to say the least. I had big hopes for 2009 being my surgery was in January, this was going to be a year of change, a good year. Change did come but it wasn't all good. The news calls this the year of death because so many celebrities died, well it was my year of death too. I came close to death after my surgery, lost my uncle in February, my grandmother in April, my father in July and two days before Christmas my cousin lost her husband. Most importantly I lost the former version of me, the death of the fat me. It has had many challenges and played some serious mind games with me. I have battled with eating the right foods and exercise. These past few weeks I have been eating like I did last christmas before I had surgery. Like I was never going to be able to eat those types of foods again...sord of a get it while you can attitude. I know this is not true. I dare not say 2010 is going to be a great year because well we saw what happened when I said that last year. I am planning on trying to learn to love myself. Try to figure out why I choose food as a comfort and prefer my fat as a protection shield. I have got to do something or I am going to sit here at 126 lbs lost and go no further. The strong side of me will not let that happen. I want to become a gym junkie, I want to run. 2010 will be the year of finding me. I came up with some resolutions, some weight related some not. They will not all happen in January but I posted them on a sticky and put them on my computer as a reminder so maybe I will accomplish them one by one. They are:

1. Join some walk a thons (Got some great information on American Heart Association and Kidney Foundation)
2. Give back to the community (I want to do meals on wheels and volunteer at the local women's shelter)
3. Run (I plan on walking to the end of my road, eventually jogging and just going a little further everyday)
4. Only have sweets and junk on birthdays and holidays, stick to the program
5. Take shooting lessons and get my gun permit (this is way out in left field for me but I have always wanted to do it)
6. Travel (no where big, just a couple of trips to somewhere)
7. Go to church more (I need to reconnect with God, I need him to complete this)
8. Live life, do something everyday, whether it is call someone on the phone, the gym, volunteer, clean, shop, go to visit a friend, something!
9. Make mommy and me dates (My girls are older, I need to set aside time for them so I don't lose our connections)

Big goals! I have NEVER had this many goals. It has always been lose weight, that is it. I am not getting any younger, i want to live. I wish you all the best New Year.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

But how bad do you want it?

Well you know when I don't blog regularly I am doing bad weight wise or there is something going on in my personal life. I guess it is a little of both but MOSTLY doing bad weight wise. I have asked myself several times over the past month, c'mon seriously? How bad do you want this? Why are you slacking? I have eaten junk and more junk. I have got to start working on the mental part of this whol journey because I am doing some serious self sabotaging to myself. I have lost 119 lbs, have gained and lost the same 5 lbs over the past 2 months. I should be down AT LEAST another 30 lbs by now!! I DO NOT want to stay at 260 lbs..I want to keep going. The diet is not hard, I truly do not EVER get hungry so why do I gravitate to the sugary sweets and chips and pizza? I think there are a couple of things going on.
#1: It is there and it is quick

#2: It tastes so darn good

#3: Hell, everyone else is eating it and it's not fair that I can't (Wow did that sound a 2 year old or what!)

#4: I hate the way my body is looking, I hate that I have to wear longer sleeves and longer shirts to cover up the excess skin. The left side of my stomach is still not shrinking along with my right so there is literally a hump (a ball of fat) and in the past when I am disgusted or mad at myself what do I do, EAT!

#5: I think I am scared of the attention. I am getting a lot of compliments and what are you doing and you are so skinny looking. I have always been the wallflower, no one noticed me. Now I find it makes me nervous and I still can't make eye contact, I just want to hurry up and get past them so I can hide just as I always did. I feel people looking at me now so I am even more self conscious of the excess skin so I think I am subconsciously trying to gain weight to go back to my safe place. Which is totally weird because I don't like how I felt before. I can shop now and walk and stand and not hurt like before.

The mental part of all this is definitely harder than I thought. I heard people say that but I really thought, if I could just lose weight everything will be perfect. Guess I lied to how do I fix it?

Other stuff going on, went to the doctor for my physical and blood work...vitamin D and iron were extremely low, thyroid levels out of whack a little. Up'd my vitamins and will make an appointment with the endocrinologist after christmas. She documented the excess skin issues and I told her my upper back pain has increased with this last 20 pounds I have lost. She said it was the excess skin pulling. Great!! Had another reality check early mom had 3 blockages in her main artery and she has never been overweight or smoked. So heart problems are definitely in my genes between her and my dad...all the more reason to get this crap under control.

Good stuff: Went on a cruise to the Bahamas November 6 with some family. This was to celebrate my 100 lbs loss. So many wow moments that skinny folk take for granted. Being able to walk down the aisle in the plane, buckling the seatbelt without an extender, walking from one side of town in Nassau to the other without needing a chair right away(normally I would just not go because I knew I couldn't walk it), feeling normal sized around all the people, not avoiding picture taking, wearing high heels to dinner and then walking around the cruise ship with no efforts, taking the elevator even though it was crowded instead of waiting for the next one(out of fear there was not enough room for me), carrying my luggage and walking the airports...just going on a trip like that! It was awesome!!