Unfamiliar territory

So I joined a gym finally. My cousin owns it so he walked me through some weight machines for strength training to make sure I knew how to work them. I don't know that I would have gone in a regular gym anytime soon had I not known someone. I am supposed to be going at least 3 times a week. Doing the different strength training excercises and then cardio for at least 20 minutes. I find that when I go I feel so out of place. I feel like everyone is staring at me so I have a hard time doing the machines so I stick to the cardio area. I know I need to work my muscles in my arms, back and belly. I have got to figure out a way to overcome this because I am only hurting myself. I wish I could go early morning when there is no one there but sigh I must make a living. I have done the treadmill and increase my speed each time I go in and am amazed that I can walk for 20 minutes and then step foot on another machine. Sometimes I forget that I used to not be able to even do dishes without hunching over the sink. I tried the eliptical and found it to be fun. Fun? Did I actually say that? Although I can't do it for very long yet. I have done the bicycle also. I find that if I can get past the initial burn in my legs and feet instead of quitting that it eases up and doesn't hurt as bad, it becomes tolerable. So right now, I am fiddling with the machines for about 10 minutes and find that I venture to the cardio area. I generally do about 35-45 minutes on the different cardio machines depending on how far I push myself. My goal is to do a little more each time so I can get to the point of a good 2 hour work out.

I am finding that I can definitely eat more than when I first had surgery. My stomach is a finicky thing though. Like for example, when my monthly friend came along this past month that whole week, no matter what I ate, chicken or slider foods I could eat a lot more than normal and I seemed to want more. For breakfast that whole week, I was eating 1 whole scrambled egg with cheese and about 3 strips of bacon. Yesterday I got the usual egg and 3 bacon strips and could barely finish the egg and ate a piece of bacon and started on the second piece and knew if I took another bite I was going to be sick. Weird huh? This whole past week I have been craving carbs so I had a 3 oz bowl of mac and cheese and at it all...yesterday I thought I got tuna for lunch but it turned out to be tuna and pasta...anyways, took 2 bites of the pasta and was full. Within a minute I had the foamies, saliva filling my mouth, I went to the bathroom thinking I was going to be sick but it passed. I tell ya, you never know how your new stomach will take the food you are giving it. I am glad to know that part of the amount of food I was able to eat was just a passing thing though. I was beginning to worry a little.

Ramblings

Well, down to 270. Haven't seen 270 since my youngest was around 2. I know that is still heavy but compared to 381, those are beautiful numbers to me. My hair seems to be coming in thicker so I think the worst is over as far as hair loss goes. I am looking forward to putting highlights back in it. Lots of sagging skin, pretty depressing sometimes but I try not to dwell on it. I keep saying I am going to start going to my PCP so that I can have some type of documentation on record about skin issues so if I need a panni (which I am 100% sure I am) I will have a better chance with insurance. My boobs, arms, belly and thighs look like a deflated balloon. I have heard so many different things from it will tighten up some over the next year to try this remedy, try this one. I'll try em, heck if I find something that works that would be fantastic. My sagging stomach is what makes me still feel like I am 381 lbs. When I sit down I see these thinner thighs under a mountain of flesh that spreads. I wear a spanx and it helps (some) with clothes on. I find myself looking at all these before and after pictures studying people's belly area. This is just one of the downsides to WLS but I still say the good outweighs the bad and I would do it again in a heartbeat.
I finally got to try a new recipe this weekend. I am finding I am getting bored with the same foods and steering off course with junk food. I got this recipe from SuzieQuizie on OH.com:

Chicken Eldorado1 lb cooked chicken breast chopped1 medium onion, chopped fine1/2 tsp granulated garlic3 tsp cilantro dried, or 1/4 cup fresh1 ½ tsp ground cumin16 ounce tomato sauce1/2 cup ripe olives sliced(optional)8 ounces sour cream (light was great)2 Tbsp olive oil1 cup cottage cheese ( lowfat is good)1 cup chopped fresh or canned green chiles7 oz bag tortilla chips crushed ( didn't use any in this but did crush about 4 baked tortilla chips over the top for a little crunch.Still very low carb and was really good. 8 ozs monterey Jack cheese shredded

In sautee pan, using the 2 Tbsp olive oil, add onion and sautee until translucent, add garlic, tomato sauce and olives.Cook over low heat about 2 minutes until nice and bubbly; add chicken, set aside.Combine sour cream, cottage cheese and chiles. Layer half the chips, meat mixture, sour cream mixture and Monterey Jack cheese in a greased 2 1/2 quart casserole. Repeat this layering a second time. Bake at 375 preheated oven for about 30 minutes till hot, and cheese is melted. Serves 6 to 8 Variations:Could add jalapenos, black beans, corn, or could even use salsa instead of the tomato sauce, just watch the sugar content in the sauce or salsa you use. Lots of possibilities for variations with this one. Ground pork, turkey, or beef instead of chicken would be great as well.

I replaced the clilantro and chiles with a can of rotel instead and just used regular canola oil instead of olive oil. It was really good, a little more runny than I would have liked, could have been my variations and I didn't put the tortilla chips in the casserole. I think next time I make it I am going to skip the cottage cheese, bake the chicken, tomato sauce, rotel and monterey jack cheese and then top it w/ sour cream after it cooks.

I found that I absolutely love the Kashi products. The Kashi go lean honey almond flax cereal tastes like Honey Smacks only the bites are harder. So good. Higher in carbs than I would like but it has 9 grams of protein and it is healthy, better than that bowl of Honey Smacks. Their happy trail cookies are so good also. Gives you that sweet cookie taste you are seeking without all the junk.

Still not sick of chicken, although my family is. Loving teriyaki salmon and baked tilapia. Never thought I would like baked fish!!

Wow! I actually lost 100 lbs

Just like when I got under 300 and I didn't have the reaction I expected, same thing happened when I hit the 100 lb loss. Don't get me wrong I was excited and called a couple of friends but at the same time, it was eh whatever. I think my brain is just not where my body is. Almost as if, it doesn't believe it or can't process what is happening so it discounts it. I got back on board a week ago, protein first, walking a mile at work everyday and BAM, the weight just dropped. I dropped 9 lbs in a week. I got up for work one morning and couldn't wear 3 pairs of my pants. They were literally falling off. I pulled out some reserves I had in the closet. A size 22/24! Could not believe it! I felt so confident that day. I felt normal for the first time in a long time. Over the weekend, I tried on some of my other reserves and some were too big..26/28's. New shorts and pants with tags still on them. I bought some of those years ago thinking someday. I kind of chuckled to myself and said someday came and went...goodbye 26/28's forever! I went to Goodwill and Ross just to see if I could find a few pairs of pants and here is proof the brain is just not comprehending. I picked up a 22/24 , held it up and said there is no way I can get into that, hung it up and walked away. A few minutes later I said to myself, yes you can! Go get them damn pants and yes...they fit! :)

Losing my dad and 3 lbs before the 100 mark!

In my last post my dad had come home from the hospital after a 6 month stay. He was home for 8 days and he passed. Needless to say this has put me on an emotional roller coaster. I am 3 lbs away from hitting 100 pounds lost and can't shake the emotional eating and smoking. I knew we didn't have that much time with him left given how weak and sick he was but I didn't expect the phone call that morning of July 23rd. My dad had become increasingly weak and my mom was having a difficult time getting him back and forth to dialysis every other day. I had stayed the weekend before and came by that Wednesday night to talk to my dad because the case worker was questioning my mom's ability to care for him. God, how I wish I hadn't had that conversation with my dad now....you know, you go through all the what if's in your head, what you should have said, what you did say, what you didn't say. I told him we needed him not to give up, to push because they were questioning mom and we were scared they were going to put him in a nursing home. He said "Don't say that" Did I push him to give up??? I will always wonder that and I have my moments where I feel overwhelming guilt for that. That wasn't my intention. He also didn't want me to leave and I told him I had to go to work the next day, that I loved him and I put my forehead to his and told him to trust God. That is the last correspondence I had with my dad until my daughter called me at 7:39 the next morning to say, "Mom hurry papa's gone!" I felt my world stop. The only good in all of this is that #1 My dad is no longer in pain and he is in heaven where there is only happy tears and no more suffering, #2 God answered every prayer we had asked over the past 6- 7 months. After my dad was in a coma for a few months, the doctors had no hope for him to really walk again because his feet had dropped, after the trache was placed, the doctors said he was too dependent on the ventilator and would probably always be on a feeding tube and never talk again. We asked God for a healing or to not let him die in this shape in a hospital, to bring him home. My dad walked, my dad talked, my dad ate food and my dad came home. My dad was also afraid to die, he was scared to leave us and he was afraid it was going to hurt. I promised my dad that when it was his time to go, he wouldn't be scared that God would come get him. He died peacefully in his sleep, no gasping for air, nothing, just peacefully. God helped me keep my promise to my dad, he wasn't scared. He was a true miracle and even through the pain God's grace showed. He was way too young to leave this world but his quality of life here on earth wasn't what he would want to live and I know he is better off where he is at now.

8/29/1948 - 7/23/2009

God saw him getting tired,
When a cure was not to be.
So He wrapped his arms around him,
and whispered, "Come to me".
A long battle and a fight he did give,
until God called him home for eternity to live

Though our hearts ache and miss him everyday
I could not wish him back
To suffer through that again.
For when I saw him sleeping that Thursday morn,
I could see he was at peace and free from pain evermore.
Now he is seeing his loved ones,
worshipping Jesus and cracking jokes,
perhaps tomorrow he'll find a fishing hole
and sip on an 8 pack of little Cokes.

Under 300!!!

Haven't been posting as I should. My dad did not come home from the hospital as we thought. He had a heart attack during dialysis the day he was to come home. This set him back a few weeks ofcourse. My computer at home crashed, don't have the money to get one and we are banned from going to social networks at work so I have not been able to reach out to OH for support. My dad is my number 1 reason I chose to go forth with surgery...you would think watching him suffer for 6 months and dieing a slow agonizing death, I would have better motivation to eat right and not smoke. I have not been making good choices. I stalled at 300 a month ago. I blamed it on vacations, stress from my dad's illness, my mom needing me, stress from my teenager. But they are all mere excuses. I got back on the bandwagon Monday with slowly making better choices and BAM, down 5 lbs! Under 300 for the first time in 10 years. I thought I would be more emotional but nothing. I think I am in denial. I think my mind is determined to self sabotage. I need to do some soul searching and really work on this. I want my life to be different, but wanting and taking action are two different things. I have wanted it for over 10 years, I am just now taking action...small baby step action but action nontheless. I suppose it is all a work in progress. We all know that we didn't have surgery on our minds, just our stomach. Thank God I can not sabotage to the point I did pre surgery.
On a good note, my dad is home now. He came home Tuesday just 8 days shy of being exactly 6 months in a hospital. My mom was so thankful to be home as she stayed with him the entire time. Her faith is unwavering. She amazes me. He is not well by any means, just stable. i don't know how much longer we have with him. I was thinking last night about people always say "Life is short". You know it is such an overused phrase and it does not get the depth of thought and action on our part that is deserves. Life truly is short and it should be cherished.
I am still noticing the difference in clothes, had to buy new pants and some shirts. My bathing suit that I (GRRR) paid 100.00 for last summer is falling off of me. I am getting compliments (I am not used to that). The hair loss has pretty much stopped, I am still taking the collagen, biotin and other vitamins and using the shampoo. I am not noticing any changes with my skin issues. I know that will take some time. I miss all my OH friends!! I wish I was at a 100 lb loss versus just an 86 lbs loss but you know what, I am not where I want to be but Thank God I am not where I used to be. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...I will get there!

First noticeable drop in size

Because I started out so large, my 30/32 sized clothes were already busting at the seams so I knew it would take me longer to move down in size. In all actuality if they made a 34/36, I probably would have been wearing those instead. Well, this past weekend I decided to go through my clothes as my family was fussing that my clothes were falling off of me and it looked like I was wearing a tent. I didn't see it because I am so used to everything being so tight, it was nice that things weren't so snug for once. Anyways, moving forward...I went through my clothes and packed up some of my nicer work pants and shirts and bagged up 5 bags to go to goodwill. I found clothes that I wore back in the 80 's and 90's, what was I thinking holding onto this stuff?? I had a hard time at first, making piles of trash, give away, goodwill, maybe I can wear or will need one day..then I had to finally say, no you will not need any of it because we are not going back! I did keep a couple pairs of jeans that although were a little loose, I thought they are still wearable and I felt comfortable in them for once. Can't change everything all at once, I suppose. So my closet looks bare and I head out to find me just a few tops. At the store, my fat girl mentality kicked in and I automatically went for the biggest size, I decided to try on a 26/28 and said the whole time, it's not going to fit, it is going to be too small. Guess what, it fit and truth of the matter I really could have gone with a 22/24 but I am not comfortable in clingy clothes. What a good feeling! So that means I have at least dropped 3 sizes! The only issue I had was most of the shirts were either too short in the waist or the sleeves were cut up to the armpit. This infuriated me. If you are a larger woman, why would you want to show off your fat stomach or jiggly arms??? I want to cover those areas not expose them. I end up getting stuck with quarter inch sleeves most of the time. I tell ya, who makes fat people clothes anyway?



I am down 68 lbs and people are finally starting to notice. I am getting all the questions of how much, what are you doing. I feel guilty about not disclosing the WLS but I just don't want everyone at work to know and I am fearful that what if it doesn't work and I don't lose a bunch of weight and people start talking abut how it didn't work, I must be broke or something. I had a lady who is very open about her RNY ask what I was doing and I didn't lie, I said cutting back portions, low carb and exercising. Not a lie, right? Here was her follow up question...no pills? you didn't have gastric bypass? My response, no I didn't have gastric bypass (I didn't lie, thank god she didn't ask specifically WLS) and I am taking B12 and protein supplements in the morning, which is also not a lie. Is this wrong??



I am having to wear my spanx everyday now as the stomach issues are not getting better. I am not comfortable without the spanx because I am all jiggly. Price I have to pay, I guess. I am going to make an appointment with my PCP soon so I can start getting the stomach issues documented so when it comes time to submit for a pannilectomy, I will have my back up. I got my collagen pills and am using the nioxin shampoo and I got a hair cut, shoulder length. I am noticing improvements, I am not losing near as much hair, it seems, or maybe I am just not noticing it since it is shorter. Either way I am pleased as I am not pulling out gobs of hair at a time. So far, I recommend the collagen tablets.



My dad is coming home next week, after 5 months in the hospital so I feel like my life is somewhat becoming normal again. Maybe I can try some of those recipes I have been wanting to try.

The dreaded hair loss and skin issues

I knew it would happen. I read about it so I should have been well prepared for the hair loss. But I wasn't! For the last 3 weeks, I am noticing more and more hair loss. I am pulling it out by the handful, my brush has these long strands of hair every time I brush my hair and my shower is clogging. I can feel my hair getting thinner and it was already thin to begin with. I know there is nothing I can do to stop the hair loss, just to improve hair growth. I have been taking 3000 mcg of biotin each day since I had surgery. I have done some research and have since added Nioxin shampoo and conditioner, Vitamin E and Collagen tablets. I have read about using prenatal vitamins on a short term basis. If these other methods do not work, i will be adding prenatal vitamins. I have an appointment with my hairdresser tomorrow. I am going to talk to her about a shorter cut. I had heard this helps also with hair growth as well as not noticing hair loss as much with the shorter hair. The long strands are a bit alarming. The collagen tablets I ordered are Neocell Laboratories Collagen Plus C Tablets - 120 Tablets type 1 and 3.
I also read the collagen tablets help with skin elasticity as well and I can use all the help I can get in that area since if I get any plastic surgery, it will most likely only be a pannilectomy (insurance covered). After the noticeable hair loss, I started examining my body in the mirror, looking for changes. I am noticing the right side of my overlapping stomach is shrinking whereas my left is not. Can you say "Panic" and boy I did. It sent me into a slight depression for about a week and all kinds of regrets surfaced. I thought I am going to look deformed!! Didn't help matters that a post shared a website about someone who needed plastics after WLS and the pictures were downright scary. I am not sure what is going on with my stomach but I do know that I lost most stomach muscles after my emergency C section and after careful examination of the fact that I can't reverse surgery and the even bigger fact of why would you want to because I feel so much better, I decided this too shall pass. Take your rain and find the rainbow in it all. That's all I can do. I haven't had any time to myself with my dad being sick, work and everyday life but I made a commitment to myself that I will start exercising somehow, someway to at least try to help tone some things; as well as getting in my protein and water. When I watch tv at night, during commercials, I will do arm exercises (punching motions) and leg lifts all while sitting in the recliner. Hey, it's a start! I am also doing Wii Fit and yesterday I got all 64 oz of water in for the first time since surgery. Yay me!!