Saturday, September 27, 2008

Not promised tomorrow...Thank you God for today

Have you ever been scared to death to move forward, yet scared to death to stay where you are? That's how I have felt for 10 years. Scared to leave my comfort zone and move onto a different life and make changes yet scared to stay in my comfort zone because it is miserable and will only lead to an untimely death carrying around all this extra weight. I thought I might had met my untimely death today...I had chest pains like I have never had before and then I threw my guts up. It scared me..bad! I thought I was having a heart attack. My daughter even wanted to call 911. It finally eased off and I have felt fine since so I am hoping it was something I ate yet still kinda scares me because if it was something I ate...shouldn't I still be sick? What if it was a minor heart attack and the massive one is lurking around the corner! So today my thoughts have been reflective...What if I had died? Who would take care of my kids? I don't want people to say, "It's a shame she died but no wonder she had a heart attack, look how fat she was" How would my parents pay for my funeral? Not to mention, the pall bearers mumbling under their breath at how heavy the casket is. I would miss out on my children's weddings, my nieces weddings, my grandchildren! All the trips we are supposed to take after our kids are grown. I would never meet the man of my dreams. I have too much left to do. I am thankful to be alive and I am angry at how much time I have wasted. Why have I waited so long...what exactly am I scared of? Even if this surgery doesn't is time for a change. I have to make a change. It is a matter of life and death at this point. I am playing Russian Roulette and my luck is not very good.

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