Friday, March 13, 2009

Step 1

Every week for the next 12 weeks, I would like to post a 12 step series. I plan to personally work through each of these twelve steps and I encourage you to do the same. What I write following each step is a window into my journey. I hope that through sharing our stories and working through the OA 12 step program together, we can overcome the addiction that is food. ~celticfaery~

Step 1. We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.

Ok here I go....

I am powerless over food. Prior to surgery, my food choices and how much I ate put me in misery. I blamed my 381 lb exterior on depression, heredity and Grave's disease. While those did play a part in my weight gain, I allowed them to be the excuse for it. I lost control of my life. I didn't speak up for myself or my children because if I did someone might notice me and highlight on the fact that I am fat and have no opinion. I let my house go because I never felt like cleaning and I slipped in my parenting because instead of getting up and taking the computer away from my daughter when she was told to get off...I instead sat in the recliner and begged her to listen to me. I didn't want to go to parties, shopping or most anywhere because I couldn't walk far. I didn't even visit my father in the hospital a few years back because the parking was too far and I knew I would be in pain. I chose to have no love life because it is easier to stay buried under the wall of fat, that way I don't get rejected like I had my entire life by boys and then men. I was always a thick girl and of course all the guys flocked to my friends and not me. My grandfather has always said to me..you have such a pretty face...you'd be a beautiful girl if you'd just lose weight. My life was unmanageable. I allowed food and other people to dictate to me how I was to feel and live. It took away more than 10 years of MY life and as I watched my father's health deteriorate from diabetes, congestive heart failure, neuropathy and emphysema; I knew I had to take back control. I had to quit talking about it and wishing for it. I had to find a solution.

The sleeve, self determination and willpower WILL deliver me from my addiction to food. I have already given up a 12 year addiction to smoking 1 ½ packs a day and a lifetime addiction to caffeine and soda. At 40 lbs lighter, I can already feel a difference but I can also see my weaknesses and have already slipped a time or two. It will be a long journey but I will not beat myself up when I fall. I will simply pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going because with the Sleeve I can not fall no where near where I had already fallen to. It will not allow that. I will not allow that.

2 comments:

justjil said...

I wish you all the best...these reflective windows into ourselves are difficult to look through but invaluable to where we ultimately want to be: healthier, happier, more secure people. Hope this process is a beneficial one to you.

Jil

Amy M said...

I just found the link to your blog buried amongst dozens of "favorites".

This is a very powerful post because your post is clear and honest. I applaud your courage and admire your strength.

Amy (maxs_mom from OH)