Every week for the next 12 weeks, I would like to post a 12 step series. I plan to personally work through each of these twelve steps and I encourage you to do the same. What I write following each step is a window into my journey. I hope that through sharing our stories and working through the OA 12 step program together, we can overcome the addiction that is food. ~celticfaery~
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I have come to say my peace about this step 4 times now. I have gathered my thoughts, hit reply and then left without commenting. Coming to terms with a higher power has always been a struggle for me. I believe in God (the father, the son and the holy spirit). I have cried out many times in my life, ignored him many times in my life and have seen him pull me out of some dark situations even when I didn't ask for his help, as well as him not answering when I desperately wanted his help. I guess the bottom line is that I never did and still don't fully trust...I don't listen to that voice inside my head when God is trying to speak to me or guide me...I always think I can fix this or I have a better way. Well look where "my way "got me. I have teeter tottered from being somewhat religious, to overboard religious, to rebellious against religion..all over the place. I have finally come to a point in my life where I don't believe in religion. I believe it is about your personal relationship with Jesus, your time with him, the bible,positive influences in your life and the choices you make. Like I said before all my choices got me to where I was pre-op. A miserable, super morbidly obese woman that was slowly dying and had not lived life in over 10 years. I was literally drowning in my fat. It wasn't that I didn't believe God could take away my food addiction..I knew he could but I didn't believe he would do it. I wasn't worthy. I had told myself for years that I didn't deserve happiness, that I didn't deserve to be loved because of a choice I had made 15 years prior (I won't disclose that choice in this public forum) and as long as I packed on the pounds and stayed fat no one would want me. I was punishing myself so even though I cried out to God to help me and why did he let me get fat and woe is me..I continually shut him out. I finally had a break through in that area and finally realized that God has forgiven me already, I need not ask for continuous forgiveness. I needed to forgive myself. I have been working on that for about a year and a half now. Surgery was the first step in showing me that I am worthy to have a good life. I am finally starting to truly love myself. After watching my dad slowly go from the strongest, able bodied happy go lucky man I know to a frail handicapped angry man over the past few years. God and my dad has shown me that if I don't correct my actions with food and smoking that I am going to be in my dad's shoes in the near future and I will be alone. My dad has said to me many times," I don't care how big you get I love you no matter what but I worry about your health and I don't want you to end up like me..unable to walk because of weight and neuropathy, unable to work because of diabetes and congestive heart failure and unable to breath because of emphysema." It has been a painstaking journey to watch my dad slowly die and the toll it has taken on my mother. I have had lots of conversations with God here recently as you can imagine trying to understand why my dad lays in a hospital on a ventilator. Sometimes we don''t always understand but that is where faith comes in and trusting your higher power and that there is a reason most of the time. Is it because he has unfinished business, is it a punishment for something he did in his lifetime..or was it to show me my future and save my life? I am not where I want to be but thank God I am not where I used to be....Me and God have a lot to sort out still.