Thursday, January 15, 2009

A letter to myself

Dear Evolving Teresa

I just feel the need to remind you of a few things for when you are having a rough day after surgery and you are feeling a little down and perhaps having some regrets. You knew going into this that it was not going to be a breeze. There are certain sacrifices you have to make in order to be healthy and live a full life and one of them is food. I know this has been your best friend for 20 plus years but trust me, it really is the enemy. Remember overeating and all the bad carbs, and junk food is the reason you escalated into the person who can't put on her own shoes and socks without almost passing out. A simple task like washing dishes hurts your back. Like today for instance, after doing low carb for 2 weeks and actually feeling better than you have in a long time and the upcoming surgery, you decided a cheat day was in you eat some bad carbs and you feel like crap. Food is your fuel, not your friend. Eat to live not live to eat. Also, remember the suffering you have watched your dad go through with the breathing problems and diabetes. Don't think it can't happen to you, it is in your blood line. Here is a list of things fat Teresa does/needs/can't do because of overeating:

Never enjoys the party because you are constantly looking for a place to sit down because your back is in piercing pain or because you feel uncomfortable in your own skin and also because you are not sure if the lawn chair the party giver has provided will hold up so you sit very tense and uneasy~ Never enjoys amusement parks because you can't fit on the rides and your back and feet ache from walking ~ Can't enjoy shopping because you have resulted to using a scooter and you are embarrassed by it and you can only shop at limited stores because you do rely on a scooter so you can only go to Walmart or Target~ Fat Clothes are expensive and they never fit right, they are either too tight in the stomach and too lose on the legs or just don't fit at all~ You can't wipe your rear end without becoming a contortionist and even then it's sometimes not enough ~ Avoiding cameras or when a picture does get taken of you, realizing your head and body make up for 2 of someone else ~ Your house is in a constant disarray because you can't clean it, you can't get on your knees or stand for more than 5 minutes without being in pain ~ You don't like having company or want your daughter's friends over because you are embarrassed of your house and yourself ~ Your youngest daughter doesn't want to walk next to you because she is embarrassed ~ Your oldest daughter is going to end up in jail from getting in a fight if one more person stares at you lol j/k but she is very overprotective and that is not fair that she has to be for that reason ~ Not able to walk into a restaurant without scoping it out first to make sure they have tables to accommodate a fat person ~ Walking into any room (friends house, work meeting, doctors office) and have the overwhelming sick feeling and stomach in knots for fear you might not be able to fit in that chair ~ Having the arms at the nail salon pop open over and over because your fat keeps bumping them so you end up holding onto them and not really enjoying your pedicure ~ Getting out of breath from walking from the office to the parking lot ~ Sweating while shopping even in the winter ~

You want to set a good example for your daughters. You do not want them to hurt and suffer the way you have physically and mentally. There are hundreds more I could list and I might come back to add to it as I think of them but for now that is enough. You deserve to feel beautiful.

Something else that you need to know, remain humble and don't forget who you are and where you came from. I know you will change some and that's ok. I want you to have more confidence and maybe speak your mind a little more so you don't get walked all over but don't get so overconfident that you over speak and hurt people's feelings, especially your daughters. Remember what it was like when people said things to you about your weight so DON'T DO IT TO THEM. NEVER make them feel that you of all people do not accept them for who they are. Don't forget who your friends are and don't get so busy with your new life that you forget to stop and talk to the ones who have always been there for you. Don't stop loving people in general, don't become judgmental of people's size, looks, circumstance...stop and lend an ear or helping hand; you were once them! Last but not least, DO NOT SETTLE for the first guy that comes along. With losing weight WILL come new found attention from men and you have not had that in a while so don't let it go to your head. Remain true to yourself and your girls (remember you are setting an example for them). Remember what your expectations are, he needs to love you for you, respect you and your views, be financially stable, intelligent, be accepting of your children. Meet his family and pay attention to how he treats his mama and sisters. Remember everything you have tried to teach your girls. And no hoochie mama clothes....ok maybe once you reach goal one night you can go out with the girls and act a little unlady like but don't make a habit of it. That is not who you are! You have class and style yet down to earth, carry yourself that way. Most of all be beautiful, you deserve all the happiness you have missed out on because of this prison of fat. Just don't lose who you are in the midst of losing weight.

Take care of yourself, take your vitamins religiously, exercise and make good food choices. Yes stop and smell the roses once in a while and have that bite of pie or pizza, just don't make that your food on a daily basis.


The former Teresa

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